Sometimes I can feel there is a thought growing but I can’t put it in words. The thought is not complete and I don’t quite understand it myself because it is new or different from the ways of thinking and working I am used to. Maybe I don’t have the right words to cover what I would like to say or maybe the thought first has to be explored and experienced in a practical way before fully understood.
It is like a puzzle. In the beginning I only see a vague pile of puzzle bits without a clear color, shape or form. I have to feel them, look at them from different angles, organise them in different ways, trow some out and collect missing bits. In this part of the process I don't have a clear opinion. They are just vague interestes and ideas that somehow feel important or interesting. It helps me to talk about these unfinished thoughts in an exploring and incoherent way. Just trowing out thoughts, trying to find their place in the puzzle while talking. This can be very confusing for others if they think I am talking about a finished puzzle. They try to find out what my opinion is while I am asking them to explore the puzzle bits with me. This miscommunication can make them feel frustrated and often stops me from talking and leaves me with light insecurity.
After a while the puzzle bits become more clear. Some might fit together and start forming a visible image. This is an exciting part of the process and often goes very fast as if someone turned on the light and you can finally see what has been in front of you all this time. It might take a long time of doing, exploring and observing before arriving at this point. Sometimes it then creates a finished puzzle but at other moments it turns out that the finished puzzle is actually a new part of a bigger puzzle!
It is a confusing process which needs a lot of patience, doing, trying, observing, thinking and talking. When finally seeing the picture, I can talk about it very clear and convincing as I have explored it for so long and in so many different ways.
I sometimes feel pressured to be clear and precise about my thoughts, what I do and what I want. I don't always feel space for unfinished ideas or the words "I don't know". I would like to feel more time, trust, and courage to let these eggs develop and grow. Time and space for unfinished thoughts, trusting the not knowing, finding the missing bits and having the courage to do and say things that are not formulated in a perfectly understandable package.
My writing often feels unfinished but as I am writing it down, it gives me the confidence and trust that the thoughts will shape over time. The writing is like the thoughts, unfinished and unclear, waiting for time to clarify and find the essence of what it is I am trying to say.